joke for the day

[T.RexRacing]

A man's wife had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet he stayed by her bedside every single day. One day, when she came to, she motioned for him to come nearer. As he sat by her bedside, she whispered full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times, you really have. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my car got broken into, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. Now that my health has started failing and my mind is wandering, you are still by my side.

You know what?"

"What dear?' he asked gently, smiling as his heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you are bad luck!!!!!!"

[intrudin]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
>
Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like
I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me,
like the old days.
Love, Papa
>
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
>
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local olice arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
>
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
>

[T.RexRacing]

[aaronmvrider]

"VEGETARIAN"........ an old american indian word for bad hunter

[aaronmvrider]

not sure if this is a joke...

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/Honda-TRX-25 ... 1527566627" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[silverstrom]

not sure if this is a joke...

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/Honda-TRX-25 ... 1527566627" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

It does answer the question of how many dead goats can you carry with a Honda TRX 250 Quad Bike.

Maybe he was looking for a new wife and none would cooperate.

[silverstrom]

This is pretty funny. http://cleveland.craigslist.org/mpo/4589436851.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[T.RexRacing]

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

Her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,

'now just rest and let the poison work.'

[T.RexRacing]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Nebrowski, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,
"You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Nebrowski said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[intrudin]

The Last Kiss


Back on January 9th, a group of Perkin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Consciousness]

A man walks into a bar,

notices a very large jar on the counter,

and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 notes.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,

"What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well.., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests,

you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks,

"What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while,

the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,

in 60 seconds or less,

and you can't make a face while doing it."





"Second -

There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.

You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."








"Third -

There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.

You have to take care of that problem."





The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 --

but I'm not an idiot!

I won't do it!

You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila

and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender,

"but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,

"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks --

but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!



Next, he staggers out the back door

where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.



Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling,

screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight --

then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,

he staggers back into the bar.

His clothes are ripped to shreds

and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says,

"Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Consciousness]

Yogi Berra Quotes

* "This is like deja vu all over again."
* "You can observe a lot just by watching."
* "He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
* "I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
* "I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
* "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
* "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
* "I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
* "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
* "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
* "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
* "Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
* "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
* "Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
* "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
* "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
* "It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
* "Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
* Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go
before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
* "Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
* "I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
* "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
* "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
* "90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
* "I made a wrong mistake."
* "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
* "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
* "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
* "Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
* "If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
* "Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
* "It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
* "How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
* "I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
* "The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
* "He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
* "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm
not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
* "It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
* "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
* "You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
* "I didn't really say everything I said."

Jeeze, how can a guy be sooo freakin' funny! "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase." ROFL!

[Consciousness]

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

[Consciousness]

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

[Consciousness]

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'